Like many people, I use multiple email addresses for multiple things. There is the work email address, which is handed out to me by my employer for work related stuff. There’s my personal email address, which gets checked once or twice a day. Then there’s my gmail account, which I use for mostly throwaway stuff. Netflix shipping and receiving information, e-commerce, web form registrations, that sort of thing. Anyway, along with Gmail, I use google talk as my IM client. I rarely use it at home, just inter-cubicle communications that we don’t want to let others hear. Google talk offers email checking, which is pretty nice, and this morning I get a notification that new mail from gmail has arrived, and it wonders if Buddy has bad breath.

Buddy, as you may or may not know, is the world’s best dog and he lives in my house. He’s my dog, and he’s the best, and whatever you say to the contrary is just wrong.

Anyway, I open up the email. It’s from 1-800-petmeds.com, a site I’ve ordered his medicine from in the past. Apparently, I had to include his name in the ordering process. That’s not the point I’m getting to here. It’s the content of the email I was amused by. Then I was upset. Let’s take a look.

Stinky breath

So, what kills me is not the fact that they make dental care for dogs. I’m not shocked they addressed him in an email. That’s a simple variable in a form. I’m not even surprised by free shipping. What I am surprised and upset about is that my dog gets poultry flavored toothpaste.

This is freakin’ America! We get everything we want, when we want, and lots of it! And you mean to tell me that we only get various forms of mint in a toothpaste? Sure, I know that there’s kid’s toothpaste in bubblegum flavors and some forms of cinnamon, lemon, and vanilla, but those all have this minty undertone to them. We’re essentially left with a level of mint we want to accept.

But friggin’ poultry? My dog gets poultry flavored toothpaste and all I get is a vague reminder of doing too many Rumple Minze shots on my twentieth birthday? (By the way, that’s how I know about the kid’s bubble gum toothpaste.) Where are my other options? Let me tell you something. This is a stinking conspiracy between the dentists, the toothpaste makers, and probably the democratic party. The dentists do a good business taking care of fillings, crowns, root canals and all sorts of those things. They have a secret society that pays off the toothpaste people to make flavors that are unassuming and not entirely appealing. It’s not like anyone craves toothpaste here, is it? You don’t get drunk or high or whatever and say “Dude! You know what would be wicked cool right now? Some freakin’ Crest, man.”

So the dentists, the four of them , not the fifth one who was probably rubbed out for wanting to expose the conspiracy, get a majority of their income from careless oral hygiene practices. The bulk of the public cleans their teeth out of necessity. It’s not like we get all excited to do so. The toothpaste makers of the world sell their product to us and know we are going to buy it. We have many options when we got to the toothpaste aisle, but they’re really pretty much the same. The toothpaste manufacturers make out because we buy their prodcut and they have to do little to make changes with their product. The dentists make out because while that fresh and clean feeling you get after brushing is great, it’s not something you crave. They make money on the fact that oral hygiene, while necessary, hasn’t changed much since we brushed with baking soda and water. Where is my flavored toothpaste? Why don’t I have a selection of flavors that rival the Dorito aisle? Why can’t we come up with something that actually compliments orange juuice in the morning, and if you’ve ever brushed your teeth right before a glass of OJ in the morning, you know what I am talking about. I’m not asking that everything be bacon flavored, although it is a step in the right direction, but if my dog can get poultry, why can’t I get nacho or BBQ?

So, that’s about all I can yell at the walls on that subject. If you’ll excuse me, traffc needs directing at a nearby intersection and it looks like I’m the man for the job.

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